Things have been so crazy lately. My mind has been all over the place and I’ve been so busy, haven’t quite figured out if it’s a good crazy or bad yet…
I still have a lot to catch up on, but hopefully I’ll have some time to do that this week.
Last Thursday I was still at my parents house with Sofie, but since I had acting workshop that evening I headed out to Seattle in the late afternoon while Sofie stayed behind with my parents again. I was able to get back to my parents house later in the evening after work shop, instead of staying in Seattle. Sofie was fast asleep by the time I got back, but it was nice to just be able to come home to her.
Had another good acting workshop, and I finally got to pick out a monologue to work on for the end of training. I still need to get that memorized…
I can probably handle doing one post before I head to bed… boy I’ve just been so exhausted lately. Constantly, completely tired, I can’t sleep enough…
I have a lot to catch up on after all…
Last Wednesday I was still feeling really stressed and overwhelmed with Sofie and everything else happening relationship-wise, and I just decided I needed help.
I headed back to my parents house with Sofie to take a little time to think. I know it seems like I use my parents as a crutch since they are so close and always willing to help me. Maybe I take advantage of it, but it’s hard not to when it is seemingly my “easy way out”. I know I’m lucky to have the help that I do, not everybody does, few people, probably, and I do appreciate the support they give me.
My parents love Sofie, and I know they love and care about the both of us.
I’m young and I still have a lot to figure out about life; I just hope it’s sooner rather than later. Not for myself, but for Sofie’s sake too.
Wednesday, I woke up feeling as if a cloud had lifted from over me. I was refreshed and felt good about life again.
Now that Jason and I had recommitted, I was more determined than ever to make our family work.
I drove out that morning to day 3 of my commercial job and left Jason to meet my mom at the ferry to pick up our daughter.
I spent another day doing makeup and styling, this time, a bit out in the middle of nowhere by beautiful Lake Tapps. Luckily we were inside again for interviews, so I got to stay out of the cold and wet weather.
After another long work day, I couldn’t wait to get home and see Sofie and Jason to spend time together as a family unit. Spending time apart for nearly a whole week was draining on everybody andI think we all were just happy to be with each other.
Sofia seemed to be pretty happy both her parents were with her as well.
The morning was much less hectic since I didn’t have to go through Seattle to get my kit.
I was able to “sleep in” a tad, before heading out again for work.
It was another good productive day, doing makeup on “real people” is far less stressful than you’d think…
We even ended up finishing a bit early, and also finally heard back from Jason, so I headed up to Seattle to talk with him and disperse all of the clouds still hanging over my head.
Jason acknowledge the fact that I had reached out to him so sincerely, and agreed to give our relationship one last shot. I knew it was not going to be an easy road, but I was glad that I had another chance to make things right.
We ended up talking late into the evening and grabbed some dinner at a Japanese restauarant close to our house; although my parents weren’t too happy with my decision to stay in Seattle, Sofie stayed with them for the night, and we made arrangements to pick her up in the morning.
It had been such a rollercoaster of a week and I was just glad to be off the ride; everything felt right again and our family was back together.
That’s all that mattered to me.
Saturday after black-Friday, was another day spent at my parents house.
After reaching out to my bestest friend, Katie, about my current situation, she came up to visit me for the day so we could vent and talk.
We’re not necessarily best friends in the traditional sense of the word, we don’t talk every day, we hardly ever see each other, but we both love each other dearly and would do anything for each other. I’ve known her since I was 10 years old,( now more than half my life!), and we have been best friends ever since, and probably will be for a long, long time. We grew up together, through all our adolescent trials and tribulations and now into adulthood. We have both become very different people, but still remain close, whenever we see each other it’s like we never were apart.
With all the emotions I had been feeling for the past day and a half, it was nice to know she was there for me, and to be able to talk to her.
So, Katie and I made our way out to some old stomping grounds, she did some shopping, I did some talking, and we both ate some food. We spoke a lot about my future and what would become of it. My parents were already making arrangements for me to stay with them, and I felt like I was being pulled into a new direction for my life. I wasn’t ready to let go, but I knew that at some point I would have to make plans for a potential life as a single mom.
Later that evening, Katie and I went out to a reunion party of sorts. One of our old friends from high school had time off from his deployment and was visiting from over seas; he was throwing a little get-together and I felt it might be just what I needed to get my mind off of all those depressing thoughts and see some familiar old faces.
I will admit, it felt kind of strange being back in my old town, with old friends; I felt like I was back in high school again, only everybody had grown up a bit. At the same time, it was like nothing ever changed.
We spent a couple hours catching up and talking, but knowing I had a little girl waiting at home for me, I left early with Katie and headed back to my parents house. I will say, with all the good company, paired with some drinks, I did sleep much better that night.
I woke up that Black Friday morning with more of a black heart (a little dramatic, I know).
After a long, not very restful night, mostly spent thinking about my life and future, I woke up feeling resolved that I would do what I could to right the situation and get back together with Jason. I knew it’s what we both wanted as parents, to raise Sofia together, but I also knew that sometimes even wanting something just isn’t enough.
Despite those thoughts, I felt motivated to try harder at my relationship, if it could be repaired.
I reached out to Jason that evening after a day of planning and thinking; I proposed two options, getting back together and working on our relationship, or staying separated and working out an agreement for Sofie’s care.
All I could think about was this little girl, and how much she just wants her parents to be happy and together, and I wanted so badly for that to work.
Thanksgiving Thursday was a bit of a turning point for me.
Now, I’m not really one to get serious and talk candidly about my personal affairs beyond the typical surface type stuff, but sometimes life throws a curve ball at you and you need to own up and face reality.
As depressing as that may sound, sometimes it’s really what you need.
It’s true that all relationships have their ups and downs, and sometimes as hard as you want things to be magical and happy all the time, life just doesn’t work that way.
Things have never been perfect in my relationship, things don’t always work out the way I plan, mistakes are made, and bad things are said.
This past Thanksgiving became somewhat of a culmination of all the trials and tribulations my relationship with my boyfriend had endured, and it did not end well…
As emotional and distraught as I was from the fighting, and as much as I just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry, I had to keep it together for Sofie. And as much as I didn’t want to leave, I knew it would be the best thing to do given the current situation.
I packed my bags full of clothes, and gathered all of my necessities to survive away from home. I didn’t know when I would be back, if ever, and that scared me.
Then there was poor Sofie, she had no idea what was even happening.
What was supposed to be a happy day full of seeing family became a day where hers fell apart.
I made my way to my parents house, feeling completely defeated. I don’t think I ever felt so depressed, my relationship was over, as far as I could see, and at that point I had no courage to face up to reality.
It was a pretty subdued Thanksgiving at my parents, to say the least, but we did our best to put aside the negative aspects of the day and enjoy our evening.
Needless to say, both Sofia and I were pretty exhausted.
I turned in early, and thus commenced a few very long days of soul-searching…